Monday, January 14, 2008

A funny thing happened when they tried to call the FBI

I was shocked to read that the FBI had their telephones disconnected. They can’t listen to criminals plot crimes anymore because they have not been paying their telephone bills. To top that off, a bank robber robbed the bank right across the street from the FBI building in Washington, D.C. and it was hours before anyone got wise. That despite the fact the robbery took place during normal business hours, in broad daylight. Nobody at the white house is talking, but I am sure what happened is something like this:

The president was sitting in his office when his secretary buzzed him on the intercom. “The director of the FBI is here, sir,” she said.

“FBI? Why didn’t he call?”

“Don’t know, sir. Anyway, he’s-”

Here!” The director of the FBI broke in before she could finish her sentence.

“Why didn’t you call, Bob?” asked George.

“Can’t sir.” They disconnected our phones.”

“Disconnected your. … Who disconnected your phones? Was it Al Qaeda? The Mafia? Osama bin Laden? Or, worse, the Democratic National Committee?”

“Hillary had nothing to do with it, sir. It was worse than that. It was the telephone company.”

“Oh, my God,” said the president.

“It seems we haven’t been paying our phone bill,” the director said.

“People are going to blame that on my tax breaks for the rich,” the president said. “Well, I’ll have them know tax breaks for the rich make things better, not worse.”

“Yes, sir. But can’t you jack up taxes on the poor? We’re short on cash.”

“How can I do that? Everything the poor use, the rich use. What am I going to tax? Hominy grits?”

“You could tax potatoes and beans. The poor eat a lot of potatoes and beans.”

“That they do,” said the president. “That they do. I’ll just put the word out that the rich are to eat only caviar and steak from now on. If that doesn’t stimulate the economy, nothing will. So what’s the word on crime, Bob?”

“Can’t say, sir. Criminals, terrorists, and scumbags of every other sort are having a field day.”

“They were doing that before, weren’t they?”

“Well, yes they were, sir. But we were listening in on their phone conversations then. We can’t do that now, with all the phone lines disconnected.”

“Shocking,” said the president. “If criminals, terrorists, and scumbags of every sort are going to plan crimes, the least we can do is eavesdrop while they do it. See to it, Bob.”

“I’ll take care of it right away, sir,” said the director.

At that moment one of the director’s aides burst into the Oval Office.

“Sir,” she said, “someone just robbed the bank across the street from the FBI building.”

“How long ago?” asked the director.

“Oh, it was hours ago. We would have called you, but the phones are down.”

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