Friday, December 12, 2008

Scientists In Illinois Announce an Amazing Discovery

Scientists said today they think they may have found an honest man in, of all places, Chicago. “We’re studying the situation,” said one of the scientists on the team. “We’re still smarting from that Piltdown Man scam, so we don’t want to jump to any conclusions. But we think we may have found a real specimen.”

An honest man in Chicago. How breathtaking. The find is all the more astonishing in that it occurred in the metropolis of a state so corrupt even politicians in Nigeria look down on them. A state in which governor Blagojevich took over from a disgraced and jailed predecessor, only to find that the FBI was building a case to put him in jail as well. A state in which the state motto is: “We’re so crooked we have to screw our pants on in the morning.” They don’t call the area around Chicago “Crook” County for nothing. Local officials say the rumors cannot be true. If they ever found an honest man anywhere in Illinois they would either shoot him or extradite him to Texas.

Speaking of Blagojevich, the FBI said his behavior would “make Abraham Lincoln turn over in his grave.” But I don’t think so. Lincoln, also from Illinois, was the most corrupt president ever. If the charges against him are proved, Blagojevich could probably be better compared to Abramoff than Abraham.

So is there really an honest man in Chicago? Scientists think there may be, but they refused to release his name, so we can’t be sure. “Honest men are vulnerable to fraud,” one of the scientists said. “We’re afraid he would be hassled by stock brokers and people trying to sell bridges if we said who he is.” The prof has a point. If he was contacted by a stockbroker who was trying to sell bridges on the side, he would not have a chance. Come on, you know he wouldn’t. He’d be toast.

More likely he would be asked to contribute to some Crook County scumbag’s political campaign. Or worse, urged to support the auto company bailout. Nothing could be worse than that. At least no one would try to steal his identity. Nobody would want to impersonate him. Being thought an honest man in Crook County would just be too embarrassing.


At December 13, 2008 at 1:16 AM , Blogger BBJD said...

Texas, huh?

I'm sorry, but when I think of honesty, Texas does not come to mind. (Tall tales from Texas, you know.) I doubt the honest man would fare much better there. But then, you used the word "extradite". That suggests some kind of imprisonment to me. Or, perhaps, an execution?

However, I cannot say I disagree with you regarding your evaluation in general, though I do suspect the corruption is more widespread than even you suspect.

I also note you have an especial hostility toward the auto industry bailout. I'm not arguing with you on that, either. But I'm wondering what your thoughts are regarding the much larger bailout of the financial sector? Is bailout, bailout? Or do some merit it while others do not?

I'm not arguing. Just curious.

At December 13, 2008 at 11:45 AM , Blogger Steve Stubbs said...

I am absolutely in favor of the government throwing our tax money down any rathole they can find. Not only that, but I find it extremely amusing. I can’t imagine anything any more hilarious. I chuckled when AIG went to the spa on Uncle Sugar’s money. I chortled when they gave money to Bank of America. I rolled on the floor laughing when they decided to give a few hundred billion to the Big Three automakers. That was the best laugh since Bush started the war in Iraq. It’s what they call Washington Humor. When your senator or congressman says “There’s something funny going on around here,” you can bet they found another unworthy cause on which to squander money taken from you at gunpoint. It just keeps me in stitches.

By the way, I want to make it clear I am solidly on the side of the rich. You probably noticed the FBI started taping governor Blag’s phone conversations shortly after he took office. But they just winked at him turning his office into a flea market for political favors. Then he said he would stand up for Illinois workers who were laid off when Bank of America, a finance industry bailout beneficiary, forced their company into bankruptcy by cutting off funding. Within hours the FBI organized a raid on his office.

So if there any FBI men studying this, I have not had so much as a parking ticket in ten years. But I will never stick up for the poor the way the Blag-Man did. After seeing what happened to him I decided I am a Republican. Subsidize the rich! Down with the poor! Hooray for the plutocrats! Put the Blag in chains!

At December 13, 2008 at 4:10 PM , Blogger BBJD said...

Good. I was curious.

I have been paying attention (off and on) to That Washington Show since before Watergate. It's nice that they keep a rotating cast. Adds to the spice. My conclusion is that both sides of that wonderful aisle have their own brand of humor, which has kept fools like me in stitches nearly twenty-four seven.

You know, I expect that if any of us tried to actually write a story in which the governor of some state behaved like this, we would get blasted for writing something totally improbable. (I learned of you, by the way, via the Evil Editor blog.) It just goes to show why they (politicians) have the edge on good, solid humor.

Good luck to you and yours.

Oh, by the way: My cousin, the FBI agent, and my niece, the highway patrol officer, will both be interested to hear of your excellent driving record. (smiles)



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