Thursday, July 24, 2008

Star Trek Gets Relevant - Potty Parity In Outer Space

Everybody has the news by now that Hollywood is making a movie of the old Star Trek television series. Well, we movie goers know Star Trek needs to get relevant. I mean, let’s face it, how many people battle Klingons and Romulans on the freeway every morning going to work. That’s irrelevant, gang. So I think tney should make a movie about potty parity in outer space. If potty parity is an issue in a suburban shopping mall, it is an issue on a star ship. Here is how they could do it:

Start off the usual way with a child's toy that looks like a space ship apparently shooting through space, after which we hear a voice over that goes something like this:

"Captain's log, stardate twenty-eight thirty-seven point nine, whatever that means. This is Captain Kook of the starship Murgatroyd. Its five year mission: to explore strange new worlds which do not look all that strange and which do not look all that new. To walk around on these strange worlds without oxygen tanks or protective space suits. To refuse to explain any of this to scientists who say it does not make any sense. For lack of adequate toilet facilities, to boldly go where nobody has ever gone before."

At this point there is a sound effect of a toilet flushing off set. Then we hear the voice of Captain Kook again:

"I am faced with a revolt by my own crew. Mr. Schlock has taken control of sick bay. Dr. Ahoy has taken control of the transporter. Snotty has taken control of the bridge. The only one who is not in control of anything on this ship is me - Captain Kook."

Let's face it, the captain lost control of his own ship every week at the same time of night when the show was on TV. The movie has to honor tradition.

The captain again: "The worst of it is the female crew members. They are demanding better access to the ship's toilet facilities. They don't want to boldly go where nobody has ever gone before."

Before he can finish dictating, the door to the Captain's cabin opens. In the doorway stands the leader of the female rebellion. As she steps in she removes the wig she had worn for years to disguise herself as a man.

"Mr. Schlock!" says the Captain. "Or should I say Mrs. Schlock?"

"That would be more logical, Captain. I'm tired of disguising myself as a man just so I can take a poop. From now on, it's potty parity around here."

"Never! I'll never give in! Next thing I know you girls will want-"

"That's right, Captain. Powder rooms."

"And all this time I thought it was because you are a Vulcan that you don't go out with the girls. You don't go out with the girls because you are a girl."

"And you starship captains think you are such smart cookies," says Mrs. Schlock. She chortles wickedly as she says it.

"You girls can't done this to me. Starfleet has noticed I lose control of my own ship every week at the same time. They are already convinced I am totally incompetent. They think I am a drooling idiot. If Starfleet finds out I lost control of my ship again they will take away my command and promote me to admiral."

"Art imitates life!" says Mrs. Schlock.

"I have too much responsibility as it is. If they make me an admiral, what will I do?"

Before Schlock can answer, Captain Kook pulls out his communicator. He flips it open. "Snotty! Report to the captain's quarters on the double."

"Can't, Captain," comes the response. "I'm trying to get to the wash room. The female crew members have it sealed off."

Cut off from his trusty colleagues, the captain sits silently with his head in his hands, when suddenly the door to his quarters opens. In the doorway stands the one crew member Captain Kook can trust - Dr. Ahoy.

"Dr. Ahoy," the captain says. "Thank goodness you're here. I had to deal with feminists at the Space Academy. I thought if I went this far into outer space I would be away from them."

Without saying a word Dr. Ahoy removes her wig the same way Schlock did a moment earlier, revealing herself to be a voluptuous blond.

"Not quite, Captain!" she says.


At July 27, 2008 at 11:17 PM , Blogger Charles Gramlich said...

Great pun play on the names here. I hope the Trekkers don't know where you live.

At July 28, 2008 at 11:30 AM , Blogger Steve Stubbs said...

Hi Charles,

I understand there is a pack of angry Klingons headed this way right now.

But are they mad at me or Captain Kook?

At July 30, 2008 at 7:58 PM , Blogger Julie Weathers said...


Was going to email you the first five pages, but I can't find an email address. Quite possible I am being dense again. It's been known to happen.



Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home