The Stimulating Crapper of John Thain

Well, I wrote to my senator a few weeks ago asking for some of that federal economic stimulus money everybody seems to be getting. No response. I don't think the senator is serious about stimulating the economy. So I tried again.

Here is the text:

Dear Senator:

I was very pleased to read that John Thain of Merrill Lynch used $4bn of our tax money to pay bonuses to himself and his cronies. I was more pleased to read that he bought a $35,000 crapper for himself so he would not have to park his ass on some piece of crap (excuse me) from Wal-Mart or Home Depot. I believe that will really stimulate the crap out of the economy, and I want to say I am glad you guys are doling that money out. Good job, good job.

So I wanted to ask once again for a few billion for me. I don’t think $4bn would be necessary since I am not paying bonuses to any cronies the way John Thain was. Somewhere between $1bn and $2bn would do just fine to start. If I need a few billion more, I will just write again the way Kenneth Lewis did. I will buy a $35,000 crapper for myself just the way John Thain did, and simulate the economy the same way the other rich people do: by buying toys for myself and mansions and having wild parties. I have always been a Democrat, but, seeing as how the Republicans are The Party of the Rich, as soon as that federal bailout money arrives and I am rich, I will switch parties. It’s the least I can do.

I am sure you are serious about stimulating the economy, and it is the end of the month so I sure could use that $2bn. Please send it forthwith. I promise to shop until I drop at least a billion of it.

Yours,