Tales From the Upper Atmosphere

Well, it’s official. Al and Tipper Gore are separating. The news media say it was a surprise. But I knew it was coming when I saw them kissing and hugging and just making asses of themselves at the Democratic Convention. The way I see it, people who make asses of themselves kissing and hugging in public at Democratic Conventions are just guaranteed to separate. It is just a matter of when.

Big Al did not give any details except to say it was cordial. But I don’t buy it. Someone saying “I don’t want anything to do with you, get out of my life” is cordial? I don’t think so. Here is what I think really happened. (Once again this is a reconstruction.)

Tipper Gore is speaking: “Al? Al?”

“I’m up here in the ozone, Tipper. They don’t call me ‘The Ozone Man’ for nothing, you know.”

At that moment Al Gore descends from the ozone like Mary Poppins. Only he is not British, so he does not use an umbrella.

“Here I am, Tipper.”

(Tipper clears throat.) “Al, you know I’ve had a lot of hot flashes lately.”

“Boy, do I know it. I couldn’t miss that, even living up there in the ozone where I do.”

“Well, here is a hot flash for you. I want out.”

“Out? Out of what? Out of the ozone?”

“Especially the ozone, Al. I want out of the whole thing. I’ve had enough of this ozone crap for ten lifetimes. It’s all owls and glaciers. Come on!”

“Well, golllll-ee. I guess I’d have been better off if I had not spent so much time in the ozone these past twenty years.”

“You bet you would. And here’s something else. I am secretly glad George W. Bush was the president instead of you. So ha!”

“Glad?”

“Yes. I admire his speaking ability.”

“You think George W. Bush can speak? And you’re accusing me of being in the ozone?”

“I don’t see how you could have run against him. And worse yet, you beat him. If it hadn’t been for the supreme court overturning the election we might not have got to listen to eight years of him, stammering and spluttering through badly written speeches.”

“That would be terrible, I know.”

“And he wouldn’t have started those wars of his.”

“Terrible, just terrible.”

“Or racked up all those deficits.”

Gore says nothing, but just shakes his head remorsefully.

“What were you thinking Al, running against him?”

“I dunno, Tipper. I must have had a brain fart.”

“And think of how bad it must have been for George, going on TV for years and years, pretending to be president, when everyone knows he lost the election.”

“Because I beat him.”

“Yes, because you beat him. Think of how that made him feel, having to turn to the supreme court the way he did.”

“Oh, I don’t think so, Tipper. George has no shame.”

“You don’t think it bothered him, being the First Pretender?”

“No. I think he slept like a baby through the whole thing.”

“I do, too. I think he slept through all the cabinet meetings.”