Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Don't Watch Bruce Willis Movies in Florida

According to The Tallahassee Democrat, a police officer in Florida spotted a man walking his dog naked the other day. Most people don't expect a dog to put on Speedos for an evening excursion, but this was unusual because the man was naked as well as the dog. Naturally, the officer asked the man what he was doing.

What was he doing? He was walking his dog, officer. What was the officer doing?

Remember, folks, this is Florida, where you can't say the name of the state without the "Duh."

The man replied that he was walking his dog, naturally. I mean, what did it look like he was doing? But he also said God told him to do it.

Now, between you and me, I suspect the dog was also telling him to do it. Dogs do that sort of thing. If his dog was barking and he thought he was hearing from God, that brings back memories of the son of Sam. But there is nothing wrong with being told what to do by God. George W. Bush does that all the time and the police don't ask him what he is doing. Truth be told, they probably would rather not know.

But then the man dropped a bombshell. He said God also told him to watch a Bruce Willis movie. Did he actually do such a thing? The newspaper doesn't say. The paper does say the cop pulled out a Taser gun and zapped him with 50,000 volts. You don't want to kill somebody just for being a Bruce Willis fan. A sawed off shotgun might kill the fellow, and, besides, shotgun shells are expensive. Or do the Florida police carry fully automatic M-16s? Those are dangerous, too.

Suitably Taser-ed, the man was handcuffed, and sent to the logical place anyone who likes Bruce Willis should be sent to IMHO. He was trucked off to a psychiatric facility for evaluation. I can see it now. He faces some doc with one of those spinning spiral wheels hypnotists used to use, or maybe a pocket watch swinging from his wrist like a pendulum, and the doc tells him what he has to do to get back with his dog:

"Write 100,000 times on the blackboard: 'I will not watch Bruce Willis movies anymore.'"

Especially if he continues to live in Flori-DUH.

The dog is presumably upset and complaining about police brutality.

The story originally appeared in The Tallahassee Democrat, http://www.tdo.com

Saturday, September 6, 2008

If You Think the NY Subway System Is Bad

It seems people at Merlo station are not entirely happy with the train service. Or they're not entirely happy with something. Instead of getting on the train and grumbling ill-naturedly, the way New Yorkers do when they ride the subways, they set the thing afire.

If you don't know what Merlo is, it is a suburb of Buenos Aires. If you don't know what Buenos Aires is, it is a dilapidated city in Argentina. If you don't know what Argentina is, don't worry. Most Americans can't find the United States on a map, let alone Argentina. If you live in the midwestern US, though, you know what dilapidated means. If you live in the midwest and you don't know what dilapidated means, you need to get out more.

Dilapidated is what the train was when passengers got through with it. Naturally, local TV stations had camera crews out to photograph the damage. In a statement played on TV, company spokesman Gustavo Gago said: "They absolutely can't attack a public service in this way."

Well, no jive, Gustavo. I think you got that one right, son. It's damn hard to get to work on the train if the train is on fire, is what I always say.

The problem is, despite what Gustavo had to say, passengers seem to attack the system anyway. They did the same thing to a train south of the city last year. Riders at Castelar seemed to be no happier with the train service than they were at Merlo. But instead of setting the trains ablaze, they threw rocks at the ticket office. One presumes there was no train in sight or they would have attacked that instead. Some of them made a nuisance of themselves by standing on the rails, but they surely removed themselves as soon as they saw a train approaching.

If there were any trains left to dodge, that is.