Sunday, July 11, 2010

When they try to control my toilet, they’re going too far

The following statement was recently published on the web site

“In recent weeks, conservative media have been … accusing President Obama of being insane, of colluding with Russian spies, of trying to create a civil war and implement one world government, among other things, while also claiming that his administration is trying to control everything under the sun, including the Internet and, inexplicably, your toilet.”

I noticed the person who wrote the piece did not sign his name, presumably to keep from being arrested by United Nations troops swooping down in black helicopters. I have always liked the conservative media. If Barack Obama wants to control your toilet, you would never find hard news like that in the mainstream press. You have to turn to the real reporters like Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh.

I wanted to confirm, though, so I called a top secret telephone number at the White House. As every salesman knows, the way to get top secret telephone numbers is to start with the main number, add five or ten to it, and then act as if you knew whose number it was to begin with. Works every time.

I dialed.

A man’s voice answered.

“Is this Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel?” I asked.

“No, it’s not.”

“But it is the White House?”

“Yes. May I ask how you got this number?”

I was not about to tell the truth and say it was an old salesman’s trick. So I lied. I said I worked for the KGB.

“KGB? I thought you guys went out of business when the Cold War ended.”

“Shows how much you know,” I said. “If you talked to guys like me more often you’d have the scoop.”

“Well, I’ll be.” The voice said. “The KGB. I guess you got the number from Anna Chapman.”

He was referring to the alleged Russian spy picked up by the FBI a few days ago.

“That’s right,” I said. “You can’t conceal anything from us here at the KGB. You might as well tell me stuff and confirm what we already know anyway.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” said the voice at the other end. “It seems sometimes like everybody has our number nowadays. Not my telephone number, mind you, but the Administration’s number. The conservative media definitely have our number. What do you want me to tell you that you already know anyway so it is not any kind of a secret from anyone except the American public but you would like to have it confirmed by an anonymous inside source?”

Whew! “We hear that President Obama is insane,” I replied.


That he colludes with Russian spies.”

“I’m talking to the KGB, aren’t I?”

“That he wants to create a one world government.”

“The United Nations.”

“And that he wants to start a civil war.”

“His hero is Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln came from Illinois the same as he did, and Lincoln had a civil war.”

“So Obama wants one, too.”

“Of course. He even wants a penny struck with his head on it.”

“You mean his image.”

“Well, yes, of course. I did not mean that he wanted his head literally struck by a coin mint machine.”

“I should say,” I said.

“That would be painful. He calls the new penny the Barack Tetradrachm. We don’t know if we will go through with it or not. The Republicans will be making jokes about it not being worth a dime, you know.”

“They’ll be right.”

“Yes. Sarah Palin would probably start it off.”

“We have also heard that ‘his administration is trying to control everything under the sun, including the Internet and, inexplicably, your toilet.’”

“True on every score.”

“Including our toilets?”

“Especially your toilets. He’s going to have the United Nations black helicopters come to your place and install an electronic device on your pot.”

“To what end?”

“Electronic surveillance. Governments everywhere want to know when their citizens come and go. Well, Barry mainly wants to know when you go.”

“Ewww, that’s gross.”

“Aren’t you glad you Russians did not vote for him?”

I ignored the question. “Speaking of which, when is Barry going to go?”

“Don’t be too eager. The next guy will be worse.”

“If that’s possible,” I said.