Thursday, July 24, 2008

Star Trek Gets Relevant - Potty Parity In Outer Space

Everybody has the news by now that Hollywood is making a movie of the old Star Trek television series. Well, we movie goers know Star Trek needs to get relevant. I mean, let’s face it, how many people battle Klingons and Romulans on the freeway every morning going to work. That’s irrelevant, gang. So I think tney should make a movie about potty parity in outer space. If potty parity is an issue in a suburban shopping mall, it is an issue on a star ship. Here is how they could do it:

Start off the usual way with a child's toy that looks like a space ship apparently shooting through space, after which we hear a voice over that goes something like this:

"Captain's log, stardate twenty-eight thirty-seven point nine, whatever that means. This is Captain Kook of the starship Murgatroyd. Its five year mission: to explore strange new worlds which do not look all that strange and which do not look all that new. To walk around on these strange worlds without oxygen tanks or protective space suits. To refuse to explain any of this to scientists who say it does not make any sense. For lack of adequate toilet facilities, to boldly go where nobody has ever gone before."

At this point there is a sound effect of a toilet flushing off set. Then we hear the voice of Captain Kook again:

"I am faced with a revolt by my own crew. Mr. Schlock has taken control of sick bay. Dr. Ahoy has taken control of the transporter. Snotty has taken control of the bridge. The only one who is not in control of anything on this ship is me - Captain Kook."

Let's face it, the captain lost control of his own ship every week at the same time of night when the show was on TV. The movie has to honor tradition.

The captain again: "The worst of it is the female crew members. They are demanding better access to the ship's toilet facilities. They don't want to boldly go where nobody has ever gone before."

Before he can finish dictating, the door to the Captain's cabin opens. In the doorway stands the leader of the female rebellion. As she steps in she removes the wig she had worn for years to disguise herself as a man.

"Mr. Schlock!" says the Captain. "Or should I say Mrs. Schlock?"

"That would be more logical, Captain. I'm tired of disguising myself as a man just so I can take a poop. From now on, it's potty parity around here."

"Never! I'll never give in! Next thing I know you girls will want-"

"That's right, Captain. Powder rooms."

"And all this time I thought it was because you are a Vulcan that you don't go out with the girls. You don't go out with the girls because you are a girl."

"And you starship captains think you are such smart cookies," says Mrs. Schlock. She chortles wickedly as she says it.

"You girls can't done this to me. Starfleet has noticed I lose control of my own ship every week at the same time. They are already convinced I am totally incompetent. They think I am a drooling idiot. If Starfleet finds out I lost control of my ship again they will take away my command and promote me to admiral."

"Art imitates life!" says Mrs. Schlock.

"I have too much responsibility as it is. If they make me an admiral, what will I do?"

Before Schlock can answer, Captain Kook pulls out his communicator. He flips it open. "Snotty! Report to the captain's quarters on the double."

"Can't, Captain," comes the response. "I'm trying to get to the wash room. The female crew members have it sealed off."

Cut off from his trusty colleagues, the captain sits silently with his head in his hands, when suddenly the door to his quarters opens. In the doorway stands the one crew member Captain Kook can trust - Dr. Ahoy.

"Dr. Ahoy," the captain says. "Thank goodness you're here. I had to deal with feminists at the Space Academy. I thought if I went this far into outer space I would be away from them."

Without saying a word Dr. Ahoy removes her wig the same way Schlock did a moment earlier, revealing herself to be a voluptuous blond.

"Not quite, Captain!" she says.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Dark Knight - It Doesn't Get Much Darker Than This

With all the buzz about the new movie The Dark Knight it strikes me how little we know about the main character. Everybody knows about Batman and his faithful sidekick Robin. What most people don't think about is, Batman must have had to interview a lot of people before he hired Dick Grayson to be Robin. Nobody else would take the job. The way I heard it, even Grayson would never have taken the job if he had not been broke. Let's face it folks, Robin's job is just plain weird.

Before he hired Dick Grayson, rumor has it Batman tried to recruit Dick Whiteson. Whiteson wanted to work in law enforcement, so he originally applied at the sheriff's department. They did not have any openings, so they sent him to the police department. No openings there, either, so he went to the Constable's office. After being turned away by the FBI, the DEA, the ATF, Fish and Game, and the dog pound, Dick ended up at stately Wayne Manor. Mistakenly assuming the owner was some sort of honcho in Gotham City's police hierarchy, he knocked on the door. Imagine his surprise when Batman answered the door. Batman's faithful butler Alfred normally answered the door, but he was going to rummage sales looking for new Batman costumes to buy.

"I am looking for a job in law enforcement," Dick said. "My name is Dick Whiteson."

"You came to the right place," said the fellow who opened the door. "Bruce Wayne," he said. He motioned with his hand for Whiteson to come in.

"This doesn't look like a police station to me," Whiteson said.

"That's because they have not locked me up yet," said Wayne. "This is stately Wayne Manor."

"I have to ask," Whiteson asked, referring to Wayne's getup, "are you going to a costume party or something?"

"Ha!" Batman laughed. "What a card." He led Whiteson down the hall to a closet, and pulled out some garments.

He showed Whiteson a red vest, a yellow cape, and green bikini pants. Whiteson looked at the costume.

"Is it Halloween or what is it?" he asked.

"That's your uniform. You will wear this on the job. You are going to be 'Robin.' That's why the shirt has a big 'R' on it."

Whiteson started to say he thought the "R" stood for "ridiculous," since that is how he felt. But he restrained himself. You have to restrain yourself when you're looking for a job. "Why don't I get to wear a police uniform?" he asked.

"What, do you want them to think we are security guards? Nobody will know who you are because of the mask which reveals almost all of your face but covers a very small ring around your eyes. Clever, eh?"

"Like Clark Kent putting on a pair of glasses and then nobody can figure out he is Superman?"

"That's right. It's the same principle. It works. Hey, if you think that's bad, watch this."

"Oh, my word," Whiteson said, as he watched Wayne put on his Batman headgear. The cape and body suit were bad enough, but when Wayne slipped his cowl over his head, Whiteson's jaw fell.

"You have got to be kidding," Whiteson said.

"No," Wayne said. "We're going to go out and fight crime looking like this."

"We're going ... you may be going out fighting crime looking like that, but I'm not going anywhere looking like that."

"But this is the uniform," Wayne said. "As Robin you will be running around bad areas of town in this getup at three o'clock in the morning looking for criminals and doing things to tick them off."

"I'd look like The Lone Ranger in that mask."

"Well, no, you wouldn't. The Lone Ranger does not wear green bikini pants."

"Thank goodness for that. Why would you want to look like that?"

"Because I'm Batman, that's why."

"Oh, Batman, is it?" Whiteson picked up the telephone and started dialing.

"Who are you calling?"

"Gotham Psychiatric."

"I'm serious. I am Batman. I go out at night and fight crime looking like this. That's why I am looking for a partner."

"Oh, my word. Well, at least it can't get any weirder than this," Whiteson said.

"Oh, no? Take a look at this." Then Batman opened a concealed panel in his stately manor. Whiteson thought to himself it was a good thing the concealed panel was concealed.

"What is that hole?" he asked, looking at the space behind the concealed and now opened panel.

"That is where I keep my car. I call it the Bat Cave."

"Oh, my word," Whiteson replied.