Sunday, March 1, 2009

Win A Free Colonoscopy

Watching rhe news the other day I was surprised to see that red haired guy who appears on David Letterman’s show doing a spot for CBS Cares. What CBS cares to do is offer a sweepstakes in which the grand prize is a colonoscopy.

I was tired of sweepstakes offering crappy million dollar checks so naturally I entered. Imagine a sweepstakes in which you have some sort of medical instrument jammed up your ass if you win. Imaging my surprise when I found out even the winner may not get goosed by the good doctor.

According to the sweepstakes rules: “Persons who have had a colonoscopy within the past twelve months or with prosthetic heart valves,” and about a million other medical disorders, all specified on their web site, “are not eligible to win the colonoscopy procedure.” Whaaaat? I can understand them disqualifying colonoscopy freaks who go in for one several times a year. But the confusing deal is, they can win the grand prize, but they win the grand prize minus the colonoscopy. It’s all right here:

That threw me off because the grand prize is the colonoscopy. Or that is the way I interpreted it, anyway. How can you win the colonoscopy grand prize if you don’t get the colonoscopy which is the grand prize? Am I missing something?

That is like suggesting you can win the lotto, but the five hundred million dollar jackpot goes to someone else. That is fair enough, since it is all serendipity anyway (or if it is not serendipity it is some other kind of dipity) But could you say you won the jackpot minus the money? The jackpot is the money, for crying out loud.

Let’s just call it what it is. If you don’t get the colonoscopy you can get yourself goosed in your own home town, but you don’t really win, since getting goosed by their medic is what winning this one is all about.

Or maybe I do understand it. Thinking about all this makes me hungry. I am going to go to MacDonalds, order a Big Mac, and tell them to hold the bun, the veggies, the cheese and the meat. That way I get my order, but all I get is a cardboard container the sandwich would have gone in, but it didn’t because I told them to skip it because frankly I don’t like MacDonalds anyway. I am a Twinkie man, myself.