Ali’s Special Style of Political Action

It is in the news that Lindsay Lohan got released from the hoosegow today after completing a mere two weeks of a ninety-day sentence. That does not surprise anyone, of course, because when you’re a celebrity ninety days means tomorrow afternoon some time. In the law enforcement business they compress time for the rich and famous. They have to. Celebs are constantly breaking the law and ending up in the slammer. If they did any real time the crime rate in Los Angeles would go way down.

Lindsay’s case was especially interesting because when she went in her younger sister Ali decided to spring her using a rather creative strategy. Ali, you see, announced that she would protest Lindsay’s imprisonment by going commando – at least where her tits were concerned. Put in more blunt language, Ali promised to put severe pressure on the judicial system by leaving her bra at home until her sister was freed. According to the web page that broke the news (and a good deal else besides), Ali said:

“When times are tough, we Lohan girls remove our bras and flash our double fun bags of determination. Our braless tatas tell the world we will never surrender.”

You go, Ali. She still wore tops, let it be said. Just no underwear underneath. I wondered if this would make the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department sweat. Now we know. Lindsay is free.

Nobody I asked at the L.A. Sheriff’s Department would comment on the relationship between Ali’s retro seventies look and Lindsay’s swift passage to freedom. So I asked my friend Scrub. Scrub doesn’t know anything, but he is willing to comment, which is better in my opinion than sheriff’s deputies knowing and not commenting. In honor of Hunter S. Thompson call it gonzo journalism.

“Did L.A.’s sweating judges relent on Lindsay’s sentence so Ali would put on some underwear?” I asked him.

“It was tough,” Scrub said. “By jiggling in public, Ali put some real pressure on L.A. County’s judiciary.”

“She made a tough job tougher,” I said.

“Yes, she did. Frankly nobody in the sheriff’s department was sure how long the judges could hold out.”

“Now we know,” I said.

“There is no question about it,” Scrub said. “All a woman with a friend in nick has to do is take off her bra nowadays. Don’t even get me started on knickers.”

“Lindsay Lohan has been known to do that,” I said.

“Yes, and Britney Spears. Just look at all the crooks we turned loose after Britney stepped out of that limousine with no underpants on.”

“Shocking,” I said. “Really shocking. Well what happens now that Ali won?”

“Are you kidding? Every woman who is connected with anyone who is in jail in L.A. County will start going commando, just like Ali. Some of them will probably stop wearing socks.”

“Oh, my God,” I said. “And if every gun moll in L.A. shucks her shorts-“

“The jails will be empty. L.A. will be awash in crime.”

“L.A. is already awash in crime,” I said.

“That’s what I’m worried about,” he said. “People are likely to figure out we law enforcement people are not accomplishing anything around here.”